'The Internet Hates Diablo III'

When Blizzard unveiled Diablo III earlier this week, it didn't comeas much of a surprise to anyone. Well, there was one guy who thoughtStarcraft 3 was being developed alongside Starcraft 2 with a projectedrelease date of one week prior to the release of the game it wasfollowing, but no one has taken Cliffy B. seriously since he predictedthat Mario would never appear in another video game after Super MarioSunshine.

Sure, it didn't blow any minds, but theannouncement came as welcome news. Diablo II is still the first thing Iinstall on my computer after a trojan-laden lolita incest hentai comicforces me to reformat. It's hard to believe that in the last eightyears no one has been able to step in and create a better action-rpg.It's even harder to believe that a ten year old girl can lubricate herentire body with egg yolks then squirm into the urethra of her mother'spenis and follow it until she returns to the womb, but I saw thedrawings. It can happen, people.


After watching theDiablo III gameplay footage, I was really excited. The visuals werefantastic, a lot of small improvements had been added without seemingto get in the way of what makes the series great, and by the end of thevideo I found myself moving my mouse around the screen as if I wasplaying. That's sad, but what's even sadder is that I'm not a big-timegame journalist so I can't come up with a term like "gamesturbation" todescribe the lonely and desparate act while making myself cool andquotable.

Imagine my surprise when I discovered that mypositive impressions were irrational and baseless, while most of theinternet saw the game for what it truly was: A personal insult to themand a serious threat to all they hold dear. If you find that you'vemistakenly become mildly optimistic about the game, read on to find outwhere I went wrong so you can adjust accordingly.

My Initial (Wrong) Opinion:Wow, it's the world from Diablo in 3D, rendered like a painting toretain the 2D flavor of the previous games. The dark and ominous themesare still there, only now we don't have to use our imaginations to fillin the details suggested by blocky sprites.

The Internet's (Correct) Opinion: Wow, it's a shitty cartoon! This is NOT the same world that Diablo I and II took place in. No way.

DoI see a rainbow? I'm sorry, but rainbows don't exist in the Diablouniverse. I have read all the lore, and there is not a single mentionof rainbows in there. Big surprise that Blizzard retconned rainbowsinto Diablo. Vapid morons. Who do they think they are? I've beenplaying this series they created for years, and they fuck everything uplike they own it.

Here's the dark and gritty Diablo II, which Diablo III should look like:

Here's a cartoon:

Or is that Diablo III? I honestly can't tell.

Blizzardshould give the game a dark atmosphere by literally making the game toodark to see anything and then maybe add some film grain on top ofeverything. If the technology is available, the black silhouette of athumb could get in the way of the player's view to obscure the gamefrom time to time and add to the game's overall darkness.

My Initial (Wrong) Opinion:In addition to gold and loot, monsters will occasionally drop globesthat heal your character when picked up. You'll be able to focus moreon the gameworld instead of micromanaging a potion inventory. Thisfrees up the hotbar for your character's abilities.


The Internet's (Correct) Opinion: Globes of health. That float. Riiiight.


Itmade so much more sense when glass bottles full of healing syrup fellout of monsters onto rocky dungeon floors without breaking. You know,when your character had thirty bottles strapped onto his belt and noone thought twice about chugging something that had been stuffed into apoisonous mummy for the last thousand years. This magical orb shit isgoing to ruin my sense of immersion big time.

My Initial (Wrong) Opinion:The Witch Doctor looks like a variation of the Necromancer that focuseson infectious diseases and fire instead of death and the art of lookinglike J. Mascis. Being able to cast your offensive spells on pets sotheir attacks are buffed with those spells' abilities seems like itcould be a lot of fun. I can imagine buffing one pet with a spell thatslows enemies, another pet with some form of Weaken, and a third with adamage-dealing plague to mop up.


The Internet's (Correct) Opinion:WHERE DID THE NECROMANCER GO??? I'm not buying this game. Even if allof the unannounced classes are Necromancers, it's too late. Blizzardhas abandoned its true fans.

My Initial (Wrong) Opinion:Did that thing just flatten one player under its foot, then pick up abarbarian and bite his head off? Okay, that's awesome. Hardcore modejust got hilarious.


The Internet's (Correct) Opinion: So the player characters only come up to this thing's ankles? That's stretching it way too far.

         I'msorry, but this terribly designed throwaway boss does not fit into thecompendium of realistic monsters that we've all become accustomed tosuch as skeletons that hide in barrels, pygmies that stand on eachother's shoulders to create larger pygmies, and enormous Satanic grubs.