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The Top 7... Stereotypical gamers we hate
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Sat Mar 29, 2008 11:35 pm Reply and quote this post
We'd rather be stabbed in our necks with rusty ice picks than try tohold any sort of conversation with one of these imbeciles. Emergencytracheotomies would both be less painful, and more likely to get us shots of morphine.
We're referring to rare, but very real individuals who by someastonishing means perfectly embody corny, old gamer stereotypes thatdefinitely shouldn't describe any actual person ever. The followingseven profiles illustrate the stereotypes that are most capable ofinitiating our gag reflexes. They should be avoided vigorously.
7. Frat boys
Usually plays: Halo 3, Guitar Hero 3
Favorite snacks: Brewskies, pizza, passed-out sorority chicks
It's hard to tell when these douche bags are actually playing a gameas they're just as likely to yell "Score!" for a C-minus term paper ora well executed date rape as they are a Madden field goal. Theircelebrations are somehow simultaneously chauvinistic and homoerotic,and no accomplishment is too meager to warrant a Pabst shotgun or chestbump.

These ravenous consumers of all things sequel and all thingslicensed are the undiscerning gamers that lazy publishers wish we allwere. Storytelling will be largely overlooked for any kind ofmultiplayer. Rightly so, since rowdy bro-on-bro competition is theperfect excuse to loudly regurgitate Will Ferrell quotes and call eachother "gay" without addressing the thick fog of sexual tension whichpermeates their Neolithic rituals and ignorant world views.

6. RPG snobs
Usually plays: Any RPG and/or "something you wouldn't understand"
Favorite snacks: Dhalmel pie, Bland grilled shark fin (STA +1)
We relish any chance to talk shop about our favorite hobby withfellow gamers, except when we're confronted by one of these - ahyperventilating nerdlinger who looks at us like we're fartingPhilistines for wanting to pull off the occasional headshot orkickflip. With so much time spent indoors, they don't understand howlow on the social ladder they rank, and how little the cultural impactof a spell-casting cat-person in a buckled leotard matters to anyone.We'd rather hang out with the ghost of Adolf Hitler then hear about thefiner nuances of Lady Yuna's Tickle Summon.

Usurping the Throne of Snobbery from the once mighty record storeemployee, they've also donned themselves with some kind of omniscientGate Keeper status, using their false sense of authority to talkunsubstantiated shit about anything you can't import from Japan.
"Do you have Grand Thef-"
"Pedestrian!"
Next time, kick him in his Forgotten Scepter before he can sneer athis own, barely ironic, aside. We promise - he won't fight back.

5. Non-existent gamers
Usually plays: Family friendly fun-fests
Favorite snack: Organic rice cakes
These are not real people. They are illusions created by marketersand portrayed by models and actors. Their cultural backgrounds areambiguous, but their physical characteristics are diverse enough toindicate that gamers of any age, gender and ethnicity can enjoy theassociated product. It's clear that they live in an upper middle classsuburb and enjoy paying taxes, eating at Applebee's, and repressingdark childhood memories.

We've never actually met this tailor-made multicultural family -this jovial concoction which gathers around the plasma TV with Grandmaand the kid from next door to enjoy a game of Mario Party, give eachother high-fives and drink Kool-Aid. We hope we never do.

4. PC Elitists aka </pathetic&gt;
Usually plays: Counterstrike, WoW, Starcraft
Favorite snack: Bawls
These well-to-do social misfits point their pimply, upturned nosessquarely in the direction of the millions of folks who own and enjoyconsoles. We've got no problem with PC gamers in general, but theelitist punks we refer to won't let us enjoy anything other than PCgames without giving us hulking mouthfuls of wretched snark.

Don't bother reasoning with them; they'll simply LOL you to piecesand snidely proclaim that you "just don't get it." That may be true,but you can take solace in what you do get: laid, for one. And probablyexercise.
Refrain from pointing out that with the chunk of change they droppedprepping their rig for a nonexistent title, they could've bought anynext-gen console they pleased and an ass load of great games...including most of the ones they've busted many a nut over on the PC.

3. Devil children
Usually plays: Pokemon, Naruto, Halo
Favorite snacks: Pop Tarts, dirt
If children are the future, we hope a cataclysmic seismic eventtopples our office and crushes us all under 360 power bricks. Sure,there are inspiring children out there who volunteer at geriatrichospitals and show disillusioned war vets that innocence still existsin a mad world, but the ones we're most aware of are the snot-noseddemons who vomit obscenities into their XBL headsets, abuse theirparents, and probably torture orphaned one-legged kittens in theirspare time. At least one out of ten of these sociopaths will grow up tokill a prostitute with the pointy end of a DS stylus, and who's toblame?

We blame the stagnation of natural selection. They'd have alreadybeen consumed by a harsh and unforgiving environment were it not forthe Styrofoam padded, sugar-coated funhouse we live in today.Technology and civilization keeps them alive, and the only acceptablerecourse we're left with is the unsatisfying act of assassinating themin Halo 3. It'll have to do.

2. The "takes-it-too-far" guy
Usually plays: The same game since 1992
Favorite snack: Zoloft, Paxil, Effexor
This stereotype doesn't describe just your average cosplayer orcollectable enthusiast. This is the fellow who recreated the deck ofthe starship Enterprise in his living room so that he could furtherremove his deteriorating ego from reality and transplant himself intothe mind of someone with an actual sense of self-worth (Captain Picard,not Kirk, that rube).

Anyone who bought Steel Battalion and its requisite 150-somethingdollar controller is getting close, but to truly be considered anexample of this pathetic stereotype, you'd have to disassemble thecontroller and carefully install each bit into a plywood replica of amecha portrayed in your favorite Anime series, or a fanfic based on it,which you wrote, had signed by the Japanese and English voice actors,and keep in a glass case next to a cheesy fantasy sword replica whichyou call "The Immortal Blade."
Do that, and we won't be your friend. Not even if you let us hold the sword.

1. Obsessed forum guys
Usually plays: Nothing
Favorite snacks: Cheetoos, Doritos, Fritos
An eternally toggled caps lock isn't an accident - it's a state ofmind. It's absolute contempt for decent conversation, and often eventhe topic of conversation. Not only does the obsessive forumite notlike games, he doesn't play them. If he did, he wouldn't have time torant about how shitty they are in asinine forum threads.

This stereotypical internet outcast rarely makes himself visible tothe actual world, so we can only guess at his physical qualities. Thelack of sunlight and any foodstuffs not wrapped in plastic has likelyatrophied his muscles and turned the hue of his complexion to a putridyellow. Dead skin from the bridge of his nose has become encrusted onthe pads of his LensCrafter glasses, creating a thick sludge thatoccasionally drops bits of filth into his already crumb-infestedkeyboard. If it weren't for his mom insisting that he let her do hislaundry, he'd never remove his favorite Akira t-shirt, which featuresstreams of rotting Red Bull running through valleys of caked-on Cheetoodust.
This stereotype is easy to avoid if you stay out of forums andcomment threads, but who the hell wants to do that? Apply a mentaldouche bag filter and jump into our forums to spew some hate of your own.

Contributed by Editorial Team, Executive Management Team
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