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When you play Halo 3, are there just some people online that for whatever reason you simply can not stand? You're not alone, as 1PStart's JW goes through a list of people who are single-handedly tainting the Halo 3 experience for the rest of us.
#1.) Swordsmen
The first group of people are those who use the swords… not all of you,don’t get nervous. Hell, we ALL use the swords. Even I use the swordfrom time to time. “Swordsmenâ€, however, are classified as those peoplewho use SOLELY the sword, clutching it so tightly you’d think it gavefree handjobs. The worst of these punks are those who hang around nearthe sword’s spawn point, camping like a little pansy ass until itspawns. 9 out of 10 times they can be found hiding in the corner orbehind a ramp with either a rocket launcher or Spartan Laser. Thisleads me into group two…
#2.) Rocket Whores
Thisis a group that has been part of online gaming since the first Quake.If you aren’t yet sure of who and what a rocket whore is, I’ll sum itup for you: They use rockets. Only rockets. All the time.
Halo 3 (and, for that matter, Halo 2) deserves special mention,however. For you see, the rocket whores in Halo 3 are of a specialbreed, known as “intercourseius remedialiâ€, or in lamens terms,“fucking retardsâ€. While you can certainly make the argument that allrocket whores are to a degree dipshits, the ones in Halo 3 are unlikeno others. Never before have I been shot by a rocket whore at point blank range. Of course, at point blank range the blast kills both you and said whore o’ da rocket, thus negating any progress in the game.
Congratulations, fuckstick — you’ve failed at fragging. (Missile Pods count as well, though Brute Shots do not)
#3.) Laser Lovers
Kind of like the Rocket Whores, only… I don’t want to say they’re evenmore absurd than the whores of the rocket variety, so let’s justconsider them “different but equalâ€. These are the ones who’ll take theSpartan Laser and try to use it as a standard weapon… seeminlyforgetting that it takes a good five or six seconds to charge and firethe damn thing. In that time, if someone is near by, you can very wellget your ass kicked eight ways from Tuesday. While they’ve never reallypissed me off, they’re just… well, stupid, for a lack of betterterminology.
#4.) Children
Mom, dad, come here for a minute. Just you and me, ok? Is the kid gone? …good. Grab your case for Halo 3. I’ll wait.
…the jewel case. Don’t try to be a show-off and present your Spartanhelmet. I have one, too. It’s not that impressive… ok, you have thejewel case? Good. Now, look in the lower lefthand corner for a second.You see that? That giant M? Guess what that means.
IT MEANS IT’S M FOR MATURE! On the back of the damn box, lower right-hand corner, it says and I quote:
Mature 17+
(Giant M) Blood and Gore
Mild Language
Violence
ESRB CONTENT RATING www.esrb.org Now, to recap: Rating on the front of the box, rating on the back ofthe box accompanied by brief explanations of why the rating is what itis. So, when your kid snaps and goes on a murderous rampage through hishigh school because the cheerleader turns him down for the “EnchantmentUnder the Sea†dance because she had a date with that new, hip CalvinKlein kid, maybe you should look in the mirror and blame yourselves fornot stepping in and being a damn PARENT!
Of course, considering most of the children I come across in thatgame, I wouldn’t doubt that these parents have failed in every facet oflife. I shouldn’t be out-cursed by a ten-year-old.
#5.) Campers
Much like #2, #5 on this list can be found in just about every FPStitle in existance. Campers, as I’m sure we all know, are those whostand perfectly still in a single spot, waiting for someone to comeacross their paths before engaging in combat. Some (mostly campers,themselves) consider this a “viable tacticâ€, but I just find it to belaziness on a level unmatched by normal human beings. If you can’t evenget the will power to move your damn character, then… well, that’s yourmalfunction. Also, how do you people have fun? I would imagine thatsitting there with your thump shoved firmly up your ass, sucking onyour Pepsi and munching Fritos while you wait for someone to round acorner must be boring as hell.
However, when you kill a camper, it is one of the most rewardingfeelings on this Earth. It should be pointed out that snipers aren’tclassified as campers due to the nature of the weapon, but the sniperrifle does lead me into the next group of people…
#6.) Hip-Slingin’ Snipers
This one is just bizarre. There are some people who will go throughhell and high water to get their hands on the sniper rifle. Once theyget the weapon, rather than going to a high spot and picking people offas, say, a sniperwould, they go all gunslinger with the damn thing. I don’t have anyreal complaints about it, and it doesn’t really take away from the gameexperience… it’s just odd.
Let’s move on.
#7.) Achievement Whores Look, people. When a developer puts an achievement into the game, theydo so expecting you to earn these feats. So when you get into a lobbyand ask “hey, do you want to do achievements?â€, you’re inadvertantlyundermining the efforts of the development team who went through thetrouble of creating these achievements. Also, you support terrorism andthe drowning of kitties in burlap sacks.
I normally don’t care about whether or not people cheat to getachievements in online games. Usually, when I hear people talking aboutit, I exit out of that games lobby and find a new game. Unfortulately,with Halo 3, you can’t do that. Once you’re in a game, the only way toexit out of it (without penalty) is to exit all the way back to yourdamn dashboard. If only Bungie would have included the option ofexiting out of a game before it began (I.E. USE THE B BUTTON!) thiswouldn’t even be mentioned. But alas, Bungie wanted to force feed usmatchmaking, so now we get stuck with this crap. Fantabulous.
#8.) Deserters
You people should be taken out back and castrated with hot curlingirons. You, those people who exit out of a game the moment it beginssimply for shits and giggles. I’m not going to name any names of peoplewho do this, because frankly I’m above that… thankfully, A1PRIMA anddannte1971 are Xbox LIVE handles, and I have no problem pointing out toall the world that you two are schmucks.
There is no excuse for this. There simply isn’t. If you get online,and get into a match, just shut up and play. Exiting out of the map(especially in team games) only hurts your ranking, and hurts the teamas a whole… of course, if you exited out, you didn’t care about theteam in the first place. You only go about pissing off people… likewriters of fairly successful video game websites…
#9.) Heavy Breathers Pullthe microphone away from your mouths! For Christ sake, some times I geton Halo 3 and it sounds like I’m on a “party lineâ€. This is easily themost annoying of the groups, because they are easily the mostdistracting. Every two seconds you hear the heavy breathing sounds ofsomeone who, if you heard said breathing at random, would think theyjust ran the Boston Marathon. I would be able to at least partiallyforgive it if, you know, they actually talked during the game. But99.99478675309% of the time, they don’t. They just breathe… andbreathe… and breathe…
There you go. The comprehensive list of people who are ruining Halo3 for the rest of us. Now I’m sure this will piss off a lot ofSword-clutching, camping rocket whore ten-year-olds with asthma outthere, but you know what? You’re wrong. Period.
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