Humour

If this thread goes off topic, it will be locked.

WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, \"You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.\" The husband said, \"You are in charge of cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.\" Wife replies, \"No, you sho uld do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.\"
Husband replies, \"I can't believe that, show me.\" So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... \"HEBREWS\"

CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, \"I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
\"The wife responded, \"Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WORDS
A husband read an article t! o his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, \"The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men... The husband then turned to his wife and asked, \"What?\"

Hey guys let me just start off, This has to be the best Humor for forums,
Firstly... Its called the ONE word story... Let me explain each member can say one word per post it can get really funny.. but remember you can post 2 times but only after 5 other people have posted after you!

I will start

Once.......

there

Dinosaurs

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.

Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quicke-mail. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

PS. Sure is hot down here.

Hehehe Josh nice one, I love it!

Last edited by Josh on Fri Aug 12, 2005 10:19 am; edited 1 time in total

US Naval Communications

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US
naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of
Newfoundland in October, 1995.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to
avoid a collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the
South to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again,
divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES
NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL
BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

Haha, that was good too. :)

Last edited by Josh on Fri Aug 12, 2005 10:31 am; edited 1 time in total

If you yelled for 8 years,7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that's more like it)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home .. maybe at work)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes...can you imagine??)

Elephants are the only animal that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing....)

A cat's urine glows under a blacklight.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out.)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(Who knew...? Who cares! )

More more. :yammer: :yes:

Last edited by Josh on Fri Aug 12, 2005 10:41 am; edited 1 time in total

Moses and Jesus were in a threesome playing golf one day. Moses pulled up to the tee and drove a long one. The ball landed in the fairway, but rolled directly toward a water hazard. Quickly Moses raised his club, the water parted and it rolled to the other side, safe and sound.

Next, Jesus strolled up to the tee and hit a nice long one directly toward the same water hazard. It landed right in the center of the pond and kind of hovered over the water. Jesus casually walked out on the pond and chipped the ball onto the green.

The third guy got up and randomly whacked the ball. It headed out over the fence and into oncoming traffic on a nearby street. It bounced off a truck and hit a nearby tree. From there, it bounced onto the roof of a shack close by and rolled down into the gutter, down the drain spout, out onto the fairway and straight toward the aforementioned pond. On the way to the pond, the ball hit a stone and bounced out over the water onto a lily
pad, where it rested quietly. Suddenly a very large bullfrog jumped up on a lily pad and snatched the ball into his mouth. Just then, an eagle swooped down and grabbed the frog and flew away. As they passed over the green, the frog squealed with fright and dropped the ball, which bounced right into the cup for a hole in one.

Moses turned to Jesus and said, \"I hate playing with your Dad.\"

Last edited by Josh on Fri Aug 12, 2005 10:58 am; edited 1 time in total

You think your day is bad!!!
Maybe we should send some minties to these people. Just remember, it could be worse!

* The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska
was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals
were released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute
later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.

* Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a
slaughterhouse in Bonn Germany. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped
through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

And finally. . . . . . .

* Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came
back with \"return to sender\" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it
and was blown to bits.

Your day's not so bad, is it?

Ouch. :pinch:

Last edited by Josh on Fri Aug 12, 2005 11:07 am; edited 1 time in total

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to
adultery. One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, \"if I hear one more person confess to
adultery, I'll quit!\" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.
Someone who had committed adultery would say they had \"fallen\".

This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe
old age. About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the Mayor of the town and
seemed very concerned. The priest said, \"you have to do something about the
sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about
having fallen.\" The Mayor started to laugh, realizing that no-one had told the new priest
about the code word.

Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and
said, \"I don't know what you're laughing about, Your wife fell three times this week.\"