Humour

Last edited by Josh on Fri Aug 12, 2005 11:12 am; edited 1 time in total

Ok, the best one yet ;)
Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says,
\"You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person
very happy.\"

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, \"Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the
window and make 10 people very happy.\"

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, \"Of course, then, I could throw
one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy.\"

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, \"I could throw all of you out the
window and make the whole country happy.\"

Haha, LOL.

Last edited by Josh on Fri Aug 12, 2005 2:27 pm; edited 1 time in total

Sorry, gotta add some more.

These are actual directions found on certain products around the world.

1. Directions found on a bag of frito corn chips.
   \"You could be a winner!!! No purchase neccessary!!! Details inside!\"
   you think to your self (Shoplifters special)

2. On Tesco's Tiramisu Desert (directions on bottom)
   \"Do not turn upsode down\"
   (Too late)

3. On Marks & Spncers Bread Pudding.
   \"Product will be hot after heating\"
   (Just as day follows night)

4. On most kinds of christmas lights.
   \"Indoor and outdoor uses ONLY\"
   (As opposed to what now?)

5. On Sainsbury's peanuts.
   \"WARNING CONTAINS NUTS!!!\"
   (Talk about your news flash)

6. Found on an American Airlines Packet of peanuts.
   \"Step One: Open packet. Step two: Eat nuts.\"
   You think to your self (Step three: Fly Delta)

7. On a sweedish chinsaw.
   \"Warning! PLease do not try to stop with hands or genitals!!\"
   (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?!)

Last edited by Josh on Fri Aug 12, 2005 2:29 pm; edited 1 time in total

There are two friends at a bar late one night. One holds a cat everywhere he goes. he
never wears a watch. The friend finally asks him, \"What's with the cat?\" The man
responds, \"I use it to tell time.\" As the two are leaving the bar, the second man is
pondering how this is possible. He finally asks his friend, puzzled, \"So how does it tell
time?\" The man gives the cat a hard squeeze around its middle. The cat lets out a long
meow, very loud. Down the street, a woman opens her window to yell, \"What's with all
the racket? It's one in the morning!!!\"

All good, nice one Josh

Well, if no one else is going to add to this, I might as well ;)

An old man in Austin calls his son in Dodge City (Kansas). The conversation goes as follows.

Dad: Son, I hate to bring you the bad news ... but your mother and I, we are getting a divorce ...

Son: WHAT?? You can't! What about -

Dad: I'm sorry son! 45 years of misery is ENOUGH!! Now, I am sick of talking about it, call your sister and tell her! (CLICK)

The son, nearly in tears calls his sister in New Orleans. The conversation goes as follows.

Brother: Sis, Your not gonna believe this! MOM AND DAD ARE GETTING A ... A ... DIVORCE!!

Sister: WHAT?!? OH NO THEY AREN'T! You stay put. I'll call you right back!! (CLICK)

The sister, calls the parents in Austin and the conversation goes as follows.

Daughter: YOU TWO ARE NOT GETTNG A DIVORCE!!

Dad: Honey, listen -

Daughter: NO YOU LISTEN! YOU ARE NOT GETTING A DIVORCE! YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU DON'T DO ANYTHING! I'M CALLING BROTHER BACK, WE'LL BE THERE THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW! DON'T DO ANYTHING! (CLICK)

The father hangs up calmly and bounces his news paper to allign it to his liking. He looked at his wife and said \"Well, they are coming for Thanksgiving and are paying their own fares, what shall we tell them on Christmas?\"

Last edited by Josh on Tue Sep 27, 2005 8:15 pm; edited 1 time in total

Is Windows a Virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

    * They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

    * Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

    * Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

    * Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

    * Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundangental differences:Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug.

A woman called the Cannon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asker her if she was \"running it under Windows.\"  The woman then responded, \"NO, my desk is next to the door.  But that's a good point... The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working just fine.\"

Overheard in a computer shop:
Customer:    \"I'd like a mouse pad, please.\"
Salesperson: \"Certainly sir, we've got a large variety.\"
Customer:    \"But will they be compatible with my computer?\"

I once received a fax with a note on the bottom to fax the document back to the sender when I was finished with it, because he needed to keep it.

Customer: \"Can you copy the internet for me onto this diskette?\"

I work for a local ISP.  Frequently we receive phone calls that go something like this:
Customer:  \"Hi... Is this the internet?\"

Some people pay for their online services with check made payable to \"The Internet.\"

Customer:     \"So, that will get me connected to the Internet, right?\"
Tech Support: \"Yeah.\"
Customer:     \"And that's the latest version of the Internet, right?\"
Tech Support: \"Uhh... uh... uh...yeah.\"

Customer:     \"My computer crashed!\"
Tech Support: \"It crashed?\"
Customer:     \"Yeah, it won't let me play my game...\"
Tech Support: \"All right then, hit Control-Alt-Delete to reboot it.\"
Customer:     \"No, it didn't crash - it crashed!\"
Tech Support: \"Huh?\"
Customer:     \"I crashed my game. That's what I said before! I crashed               the spaceship, and now it doesn't work.\"
Tech Support: Click on \"File\", then \"New Game\".
Customer:     [pause] \"Wow! How'd you learn how to do that?\"